Midlife Heart » Blog

A Lesson Learned… The Hard Way.

JimRogers — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 22:15:00 +0000

It’s funny, but you never think that you’re going to get the call that I got earlier today. When you do, it’s the kind of call that stuns you as you walk around, recalling so much that was good and fun.

The call came from her sister. Had I not called two weeks earlier, I’d never have received this call or learned the news. However, when the call came through, I had no idea of the sad message I was about to receive. It seems that the first woman I had met and dated just after I’d moved to LA some 10+ years ago had passed away a couple of years ago due to the return of her melanoma, after more than two decades of being cancer free. What makes this even pertinent to anyone else is that she is the woman who was the subject of the opening story in my book, Midlife Metamorphosis. She was the beginning of the process for me. With her question, “Take a picture of me and my kids?”, I started a process that has brought me so much understanding and growth.

After 10 months of being together, something changed in her and I knew that it was time to let go and move on. Yet, I was still so immature then that I didn’t have the courage to honestly share with her just why I’d let go and moved on. As we stayed in contact here and there over time, she always said that we’d had such a good thing going on and why was it that I left? I’d finally come to the point where I was ready to say why and now I can’t. It’s not that I feel hurt from it, but that I didn’t give her the courtesy of true closure. When I shared the reason with her sister, she completely understood. Oh well….

The reason for sharing all this with you is to say that breaking up is tough enough without leaving someone hanging. We all know so much about how to attract someone into our lives, but so few, if any, of us know how to let someone go in a loving way that gives them all the answers that they need to understand that the time has come to either work through things or move on. For me, I was still not ready, but that wasn’t the real reason.

Take time… time to understand what to say to someone. Gather your courage and say what needs to be said. It’s not about blaming, but stating simple facts. Let someone you once, and maybe still, loved know why it is that you feel the need to move on. It’s really the only loving thing to do. I wish that I had done that sooner. In this case, I can’t… and it makes me sad to know that I waited to long.

Take care of your heart.

Midlife Metamorphosis – The Naked Truth About Moving Forward With Your Heart

www.midlifeheart.com

Helplessly Hopelessly Stuck

JimRogers — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 17:54:55 +0000

I’m really curious to know how many of you feel helplessly, hopelessly stuck? I do believe that more than some realize they have become stuck at some time or other in their post divorce experience. What creates the feeling of being stuck? For some, it’s an unhealthy attachment to the former partner. For others, it’s not feeling worthy of love because of where they have ended up in life. For yet others, it’s simply an attachment to fear. No matter what it is, being hopelessly, helplessly stuck is very crippling for anyone trapped by its grip.

However, one of the most interesting aspects of being stuck is that at some point, it shifts from being something that you wish you could release into something that you’re attached to in some perverse manner… addicted to the feeling of being stuck… and wearing your ‘stuckness’ has become a badge of courage in the twisted battle you’re waging with self.

Being deeply stuck is a terribly difficult place to be. Few see any real way out, most feel that somehow they deserve to be stuck there… yes, stuck in being stuck… yet another perverse twist of being stuck.

For those of you who are stuck, know that you don’t need to take this as a life sentence. It’s okay to feel again, it’s okay to love again (and for that to be someone else), it’s okay to let go of your attachments and claim a full life again. Your mistakes do not define you… your fears do not define you… but they will if you let them.

In this moment, know that it’s perfectly fine to move forward… and that you have all you need right now to do so. It’s simply a matter of letting go of the burden that you’re currently struggling to carry so you can grab the rope that’s dangling before you to be finally pulled to safety. Drop the burden and take the rope… it’s okay to do that.

Take care of your heart.

www.MidlifeHeart.com

A Passing…

JimRogers — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 18:09:08 +0000

While this blog page will normally be about matters of the heart, I’m simply moved to write about something more general… the passing of a more or less unknown legend. Today Les Paul died. He was 94. So many of you may be saying, ‘So what?’ As some of you may already know, my first two loves were music and photography. From an early age, music moved me in ways that so many just never seemed to understand. Rock and roll hit really big with the appearance of the Beatles and from there life has never been the same. The electric guitar, in fact, the Gibson Les Paul electric guitar, along with the Marshall amplifier, were the sound of rock and roll. Many famous guitarists played the Gibson Les Paul… the guitar that defined an entire style of music. Yet, while that would be more than enough for most, Les also invented the modern techniques that are still used to this day to record music… period. Les was responsible to the invention of the multitrack tape machine as well. It had been centuries since ONE MAN had affected the world in such an all-encompassing manner. And now he’s finally passed… but his spirit will unknowingly live on in and thru every song we hear that was recorded.

In high school I had the pleasure of seeing Les perform… not in LA, Chicago, or New York, but in Portland, Oregon. With two other musicians on stage, a bass player and a drummer, Les lit up the evening and blew everyone away. Just out of retirement, and having not played guitar for 10 years, Les was amazing as he ever was. The biggest thrill for me was being able to talk with him on stage for what seemed like half an hour afterward. He influenced my desire to work in the recording industry.

Les will be missed by all who knew him. If you’d like to learn more about him and really understand his impact on your world, pick up the DVD entitled ‘Chasing Sound’. It was filmed when he was a spry 91 and still playing Monday evenings at the Iridium Club in Manhattan.

If you think the music died with Buddy Holly’s passing, then it’s finally truly gone today. Long live Les… you will be sorely missed.

One Way Street

JimRogers — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 19:58:19 +0000

So many of us at this stage of life are looking for love. Yet, when it comes down to it, I’m curious if we’re willing to give to another what we ask for ourselves?

So why am I asking this question? In the realm of dating, in many profiles on dating sites, so many say that they’re looking for unconditional love from another. However, from my own experience, it seems more like many are just using this as a buzzword, or a comforting ‘warm and fuzzy’ notion without understanding what it is that they ask for.

First of all, if you love someone unconditionally, there is no such thing as a ‘deal breaker’ because ones love is never tied to a condition, while the term ‘deal breaker’ connotes love tied to a set of conditions.

Yet, in light of the above, I wonder if those who are looking for someone to love them unconditionally are simply looking for someone who doesn’t challenge them to grow and change for the better? Taking that further, I also wonder if those who seek unconditional love are willing to extend the same to another? Many who want to be loved unconditionally have turned that into a one way street… expecting something they aren’t equipped (or willing) to deliver.

So what is unconditional love? Simply speaking, unconditional love is love without conditions… none whatsoever!! If your partner suddenly picks up smoking, you’re simply going to love them, talk with them about this sudden change, but there will be no judgment or backing away from them. Similarly, if your partner develops a thyroid problem and suddenly gains 100 pounds, you’ll still love them just the same. While you may work to help them seek a solution, you may not; simply allowing them to be who they are, for love without conditions is not going to love someone less because they’ve exhibited an external change… or an internal change. Love without conditions is pure. Yet, love without conditions is impossible for humans to show in its absoluteness.

Whatever the case, whatever it is that you ask from someone, you are best served to be ready, willing and able to extend to them as well.

Take care of your heart.

http://www.midlifeheart.com/

Are You Ready??

JimRogers — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:47:33 +0000

A phenomenon that seems to be more and more prevalent is that of people getting on the net to look for someone to date, or are looking for their potential mate, yet they aren’t even close to being ready for someone in their lives.

In some cases, people realize they aren’t yet ready in their lives, but just want to see what’s out there. In other cases, there are those whom loneliness is driving so deeply that they don’t yet understand that they have a greater amount of healing to go through. Yet there are still others whom fear and insecurity drive so deeply that they are looking for someone, not realizing how poisonous fear and insecurity are to a burgeoning relationship.

Basically, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready! If you’re not ready (or able) to open your heart to another, don’t make it appear that you are. To put your heart out there and to then suddenly remove it, once someone else becomes attracted to it, sets up so many for disappointment and pain unnecessarily so.

Take care of your heart.

http://www.midlifeheart.com/

Are We Demanding Too Much From Our Relationships?

JimRogers — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:54:21 +0000

I’m curious about this very subject… do we, in fact, demand too much from our relationships? In reality, in the best of relationships, only twenty-five percent of our needs are met. So what does this mean to those of us who are continuously unsuccessful in finding someone to share love with? Well maybe, just maybe, we’ve been chasing this whole relationship issue up the wrong tree, so to speak. Maybe we’re looking for one person to meet too many of our needs in a close, personal relationship. What does finding an equal mean? What is the most important quality for you to find in someone you want to open your heart to? Are you secretly doing the same thing that congress does… ‘earmarking your relationship bill’ with all sorts of non-essentials? Or, in a reaction to what you didn’t have in the past, are you inadvertently packing your list of wishes for a mate with ALL that you didn’t have in the past?

I’d like to know what you’ve learned from your own experience! Have you learned that you were doing just that? Have you demanded to much in the past? Have you seen that, in relationships, as in most of the rest of life, that less is most definitely more?

http://www.midlifeheart.com/

What To Do About Loneliness

JimRogers — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 22:10:12 +0000

One of the most difficult aspects of being human, and single, is loneliness. Without human interaction and touch, most of us, in time, would go stir crazy. Loneliness is something that we, as humans, are confronted by throughout life. As most of us know, to experience consistent loneliness while being part of a couple is the worst form of loneliness ever known.

So my question to all of you is, how do you deal with loneliness when it appears in your life? I know what I do, what do YOU do??

http://www.midlifeheart.com/

What Is It About You That Attracts Me?

JimRogers — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:21:12 +0000

Lately I’ve been thinking about the nature of attraction in my dating and romantic life. I find that attraction in and of itself is only the first layer of a multi layered subject. It’s in that thought that I bring this to you… to make you think and to ask for your input as well.

Attraction is based on a lot of different factors for different people we meet. For some, it’s based in our childhood triggers that were originally set by our parents. However, for most it’s a complicated set of additional factors. We can be attracted to someone on a visceral level (the ‘hot guy’ or the ‘smokin hot woman’) that we just want to get naked with and ‘have fun’. Yet, we can also have our initial attraction based on a more intellectual level (‘you challenge my mind more than anyone ever has before’), or their personality (‘you are just so FUN to be around… I want to see you more’). Our attraction to someone can also be based on a more spiritual level (‘we both believe in the same things and can talk about them all so freely… it’s so RARE to meet someone like you’).

However, from my own experience, I have never been attracted to one simple aspect of anyone. With that said, I believe that it’s important for us to understand the nature of our attraction to someone to make sure that what we’re attracted to is an aspect that is deeper and meets our real needs as opposed to something that is more shallow… being something that may not be able to last.

Your thoughts and comments would be appreciated on this one. Am I totally off base here or does this ring true with many more of you?

http://www.midlifeheart.com/

Everyone Has Baggage

JimRogers — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:41:48 +0000

One thing that I feel is very important for everyone to realize is that everyone (virtually without exception) has baggage. It’s practically unavoidable since we’re all human beings who carry around a certain amount of unprocessed emotional energy. Some of us carry more and some of us carry less. Yet, some of us have completed the necessary work to remove a great deal of it from our lives. However, as many of us soon learn, there is always more baggage to uncover.

Baggage not only appears in the emotional form, but also in the form of unresolved financial and life issues, and unresolved issues that come from an unhealed ex-spouse. The important aspect in all of this is that (with rare exception) we all have some form of baggage!

Baggage in and of itself is neither bad nor good. The important aspect of baggage is how we deal with it. Does our baggage rule us in dramatic outbursts or do we look at it, accept it and deal with it as it rears its ugly head, or as we’re able to do so?

(This is an edited excerpt from the book, “Midlife Metamorphosis” due out this summer.)

http://www.midlifeheart.com/

Midlife Metamorphosis – The Countdown Has Begun

JimRogers — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:34:02 +0000

It’s so funny. You write, work, gather up a lot of faith and keep writing. Some days you know that you have the most important things in the world to say and other days you feel rabidly delusional. Such is the life of a writer/author. Yet… this is my first book, so the territory I’m traveling is virgin to me. Within the last week or so the book moved into the publishing phase and now all of my efforts (along with the support and effort of friends) is coming to fruition. As of Friday, April 10, 2009 there are roughly 12 weeks until the book is ready for sale. Please continue to return to the blogs as well as the website for further updates regarding the progress of Midlife Metamorphosis.

http://www.midlifeheart.com/