It’s funny, but you never think that you’re going to get the call that I got earlier today. When you do, it’s the kind of call that stuns you as you walk around, recalling so much that was good and fun.
The call came from her sister. Had I not called two weeks earlier, I’d never have received this call or learned the news. However, when the call came through, I had no idea of the sad message I was about to receive. It seems that the first woman I had met and dated just after I’d moved to LA some 10+ years ago had passed away a couple of years ago due to the return of her melanoma, after more than two decades of being cancer free. What makes this even pertinent to anyone else is that she is the woman who was the subject of the opening story in my book, Midlife Metamorphosis. She was the beginning of the process for me. With her question, “Take a picture of me and my kids?”, I started a process that has brought me so much understanding and growth.
After 10 months of being together, something changed in her and I knew that it was time to let go and move on. Yet, I was still so immature then that I didn’t have the courage to honestly share with her just why I’d let go and moved on. As we stayed in contact here and there over time, she always said that we’d had such a good thing going on and why was it that I left? I’d finally come to the point where I was ready to say why and now I can’t. It’s not that I feel hurt from it, but that I didn’t give her the courtesy of true closure. When I shared the reason with her sister, she completely understood. Oh well….
The reason for sharing all this with you is to say that breaking up is tough enough without leaving someone hanging. We all know so much about how to attract someone into our lives, but so few, if any, of us know how to let someone go in a loving way that gives them all the answers that they need to understand that the time has come to either work through things or move on. For me, I was still not ready, but that wasn’t the real reason.
Take time… time to understand what to say to someone. Gather your courage and say what needs to be said. It’s not about blaming, but stating simple facts. Let someone you once, and maybe still, loved know why it is that you feel the need to move on. It’s really the only loving thing to do. I wish that I had done that sooner. In this case, I can’t… and it makes me sad to know that I waited to long.
Take care of your heart.
Midlife Metamorphosis – The Naked Truth About Moving Forward With Your Heart
www.midlifeheart.com
I’m really curious to know how many of you feel helplessly, hopelessly stuck? I do believe that more than some realize they have become stuck at some time or other in their post divorce experience. What creates the feeling of being stuck? For some, it’s an unhealthy attachment to the former partner. For others, it’s not feeling worthy of love because of where they have ended up in life. For yet others, it’s simply an attachment to fear. No matter what it is, being hopelessly, helplessly stuck is very crippling for anyone trapped by its grip.
However, one of the most interesting aspects of being stuck is that at some point, it shifts from being something that you wish you could release into something that you’re attached to in some perverse manner… addicted to the feeling of being stuck… and wearing your ‘stuckness’ has become a badge of courage in the twisted battle you’re waging with self.
Being deeply stuck is a terribly difficult place to be. Few see any real way out, most feel that somehow they deserve to be stuck there… yes, stuck in being stuck… yet another perverse twist of being stuck.
For those of you who are stuck, know that you don’t need to take this as a life sentence. It’s okay to feel again, it’s okay to love again (and for that to be someone else), it’s okay to let go of your attachments and claim a full life again. Your mistakes do not define you… your fears do not define you… but they will if you let them.
In this moment, know that it’s perfectly fine to move forward… and that you have all you need right now to do so. It’s simply a matter of letting go of the burden that you’re currently struggling to carry so you can grab the rope that’s dangling before you to be finally pulled to safety. Drop the burden and take the rope… it’s okay to do that.
Take care of your heart.
www.MidlifeHeart.com
While this blog page will normally be about matters of the heart, I’m simply moved to write about something more general… the passing of a more or less unknown legend. Today Les Paul died. He was 94. So many of you may be saying, ‘So what?’ As some of you may already know, my first two loves were music and photography. From an early age, music moved me in ways that so many just never seemed to understand. Rock and roll hit really big with the appearance of the Beatles and from there life has never been the same. The electric guitar, in fact, the Gibson Les Paul electric guitar, along with the Marshall amplifier, were the sound of rock and roll. Many famous guitarists played the Gibson Les Paul… the guitar that defined an entire style of music. Yet, while that would be more than enough for most, Les also invented the modern techniques that are still used to this day to record music… period. Les was responsible to the invention of the multitrack tape machine as well. It had been centuries since ONE MAN had affected the world in such an all-encompassing manner. And now he’s finally passed… but his spirit will unknowingly live on in and thru every song we hear that was recorded.
In high school I had the pleasure of seeing Les perform… not in LA, Chicago, or New York, but in Portland, Oregon. With two other musicians on stage, a bass player and a drummer, Les lit up the evening and blew everyone away. Just out of retirement, and having not played guitar for 10 years, Les was amazing as he ever was. The biggest thrill for me was being able to talk with him on stage for what seemed like half an hour afterward. He influenced my desire to work in the recording industry.
Les will be missed by all who knew him. If you’d like to learn more about him and really understand his impact on your world, pick up the DVD entitled ‘Chasing Sound’. It was filmed when he was a spry 91 and still playing Monday evenings at the Iridium Club in Manhattan.
If you think the music died with Buddy Holly’s passing, then it’s finally truly gone today. Long live Les… you will be sorely missed.
So many of us at this stage of life are looking for love. Yet, when it comes down to it, I’m curious if we’re willing to give to another what we ask for ourselves?
So why am I asking this question? In the realm of dating, in many profiles on dating sites, so many say that they’re looking for unconditional love from another. However, from my own experience, it seems more like many are just using this as a buzzword, or a comforting ‘warm and fuzzy’ notion without understanding what it is that they ask for.
First of all, if you love someone unconditionally, there is no such thing as a ‘deal breaker’ because ones love is never tied to a condition, while the term ‘deal breaker’ connotes love tied to a set of conditions.
Yet, in light of the above, I wonder if those who are looking for someone to love them unconditionally are simply looking for someone who doesn’t challenge them to grow and change for the better? Taking that further, I also wonder if those who seek unconditional love are willing to extend the same to another? Many who want to be loved unconditionally have turned that into a one way street… expecting something they aren’t equipped (or willing) to deliver.
So what is unconditional love? Simply speaking, unconditional love is love without conditions… none whatsoever!! If your partner suddenly picks up smoking, you’re simply going to love them, talk with them about this sudden change, but there will be no judgment or backing away from them. Similarly, if your partner develops a thyroid problem and suddenly gains 100 pounds, you’ll still love them just the same. While you may work to help them seek a solution, you may not; simply allowing them to be who they are, for love without conditions is not going to love someone less because they’ve exhibited an external change… or an internal change. Love without conditions is pure. Yet, love without conditions is impossible for humans to show in its absoluteness.
Whatever the case, whatever it is that you ask from someone, you are best served to be ready, willing and able to extend to them as well.
Take care of your heart.
http://www.midlifeheart.com/
A phenomenon that seems to be more and more prevalent is that of people getting on the net to look for someone to date, or are looking for their potential mate, yet they aren’t even close to being ready for someone in their lives.
In some cases, people realize they aren’t yet ready in their lives, but just want to see what’s out there. In other cases, there are those whom loneliness is driving so deeply that they don’t yet understand that they have a greater amount of healing to go through. Yet there are still others whom fear and insecurity drive so deeply that they are looking for someone, not realizing how poisonous fear and insecurity are to a burgeoning relationship.
Basically, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready! If you’re not ready (or able) to open your heart to another, don’t make it appear that you are. To put your heart out there and to then suddenly remove it, once someone else becomes attracted to it, sets up so many for disappointment and pain unnecessarily so.
Take care of your heart.
http://www.midlifeheart.com/
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Dating and Your Midlife Heart "This blog is for all of you between the ages of 40 and 60 who find yourselves divorced, confused and frightened by the new world of midlife dating, and need to make sense of it all. It’s a place for me to not only share with you what I’ve learned, but for all of you to share what you’re learning and to ask questions as well… not only of one another, but of me too. While my second marriage was imploding in 1998, I found myself on a new journey as the world around me was in the midst of rapid change too. At the time, dating sites were very new and incredibly primitive (does anyone remember early Match.com?). However, even then the uniqueness of dating in midlife had already become evident in the rapidly emerging ‘techno-realm’ of the world-wide-web. I now consider myself to be someone who is ‘seasoned’ (to say the least) when it comes to dating in midlife... not because I wanted to learn that skill, but simply from mistakes and experience. I’ve learned a lot that I can pass on to you in hopes of saving you some of the mistakes that I've made as well as helping you move forward with your heart as easily as possible."
~~Jim Rogers, Chatsworth, CA Contact the Author Jim Rogers is available for book signings, speaking engagements, and media appearances. To book an appearance or to contact him with comments or questions on the book, Click Here.
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