It’s funny, but you never think that you’re going to get the call that I got earlier today. When you do, it’s the kind of call that stuns you as you walk around, recalling so much that was good and fun.
The call came from her sister. Had I not called two weeks earlier, I’d never have received this call or learned the news. However, when the call came through, I had no idea of the sad message I was about to receive. It seems that the first woman I had met and dated just after I’d moved to LA some 10+ years ago had passed away a couple of years ago due to the return of her melanoma, after more than two decades of being cancer free. What makes this even pertinent to anyone else is that she is the woman who was the subject of the opening story in my book, Midlife Metamorphosis. She was the beginning of the process for me. With her question, “Take a picture of me and my kids?”, I started a process that has brought me so much understanding and growth.
After 10 months of being together, something changed in her and I knew that it was time to let go and move on. Yet, I was still so immature then that I didn’t have the courage to honestly share with her just why I’d let go and moved on. As we stayed in contact here and there over time, she always said that we’d had such a good thing going on and why was it that I left? I’d finally come to the point where I was ready to say why and now I can’t. It’s not that I feel hurt from it, but that I didn’t give her the courtesy of true closure. When I shared the reason with her sister, she completely understood. Oh well….
The reason for sharing all this with you is to say that breaking up is tough enough without leaving someone hanging. We all know so much about how to attract someone into our lives, but so few, if any, of us know how to let someone go in a loving way that gives them all the answers that they need to understand that the time has come to either work through things or move on. For me, I was still not ready, but that wasn’t the real reason.
Take time… time to understand what to say to someone. Gather your courage and say what needs to be said. It’s not about blaming, but stating simple facts. Let someone you once, and maybe still, loved know why it is that you feel the need to move on. It’s really the only loving thing to do. I wish that I had done that sooner. In this case, I can’t… and it makes me sad to know that I waited to long.
Take care of your heart.
Midlife Metamorphosis – The Naked Truth About Moving Forward With Your Heart
Thats such a wonderful post. I always wondered why you find it so difficult to continue to be friends with people who were supposed to share their lives with you. I guess the success lies in a good closure. And it is definitely not about blaming each other, its about understanding the other person and respecting the fact that one has come to crossroads and the journey will continue in a different path.
I too think often about when we break it off with people that we once loved and shared a life with, why we feel so uncomfortable just being friends. I believe now it is a wisdom and an understanding of impermanance in life that we just don’t think about to much. Nothing, no-thing remains the same, once we accept that we can accept and understand why people leave us or we leave them. The gift is being able to part and remain in gratitude for what each brought to the relationship. When we get caught up in the ‘blame and shame game’ it is hard to re-member all that love and shared moments that brought us so many emotions. Why we cared and why we think we still don’t care.
I am not sure if there is such a thing as a good close or not, but what I do know we definately have a lot to learn about ourselves (self-love), that appreciation and acceptance of who we are and how we relate to relationships is the growth of our soul and compassion. I think if we all had that knowing, then leaving-moving on would not be so painful, we would just accept it as another step in moving forward in our lives. All relationships are mirrors, not the kind you look in and see how you look today, but the emotional mirror that if we don’t ‘react’ to it, we can see clearly who we are in that moment, with who they are. Our vibrations are always changing as relationships do. We have been downloaded with so many rules of how relationships be that we are attached to them in sometimes unhealthy ways. Closure is just the sun going down, with a new day of dawning. Be YOU in all moments, accept all of your sum parts that create YOU. When things fall apart and they will, you will be better equipt to understand and have compassion for YOU and the other(s). We don’t always get to know the ‘Why’, situations are simply ‘just are.’
OM Shanti ~ Dolby
You are important.
Your actions matter.
Your thoughts create.
Your presence changes everything.
Interesting, I had a similar experience. I dated a young man from 16-22, he was 5 years older than me. We were engaged to be married, but I broke it off and we went our separate ways. I often thought about reaching out to him to get together to reminisce, after all, I ‘grew up’ with him. There were so many experiences only he and I had, he was a witness to a good portion of my life. I never acted on what I know I could make happen.
About 5 years ago, I received a call that he was killed in a motorcycle accident. I felt like a piece of me was gone as well, sad that my witness was no more, and disappointed with myself for not reaching out to him to reconnect. Lesson learned